Gap year

Four days left. Less than one week. One day of class. Three of exams.

Then, a gap year. An idea that is more open, more expansive than “sabbatical.” A space. Not a break.

My gap year is still not defined.

And I am happy with that.

I need to create space for myself, space to figure out who I want to be and what I want to do. I need to resist the temptation to push forward, I’m always pushing and moving and acting and creating – three steps into the future. I need to allow myself to feel free of teaching. To be free of teaching.

When I’m teaching, it’s literally all I can do. I cannot plan and I cannot think about anything beyond what I’m in the middle of.

I cannot speak for other teachers, but my experience has been one of constant motion most of the time and, especially recently, I have been the whirligig spinning in everyone else’s winds. I appreciated being valued and truly believed that my role was to support my students and to create a space for them to feel seen and to feel safe.

But it was exhausting having students around all of the time and having to address multiple students’ needs at every turn, especially the times when it prevented me from addressing my own needs.

I know that if I had to do it all again, with the knowledge I have now, I would probably do it exactly the same way. But that doesn’t make me less exhausted.

Before I start to think about what’s next, I need to create space for what’s now.